(Not so) Mad Skills

I’m one of the least handy men alive. It sucks. I’m trying, though. I’m trying to learn/teach myself to do new things, to make some improvements around the home and try to tap into this lineage of handyman-ness that seems to have bypassed my part of gene pool completely. My dad and my two older brothers are all in the trades — plumbers and pipefitters to be exact. But they’re all very skilled auto mechanics, electricians, drywallers, masons, you name it. They can build a house from the ground up with a roll of tape, three blades of grass and some tar. Growing up I’ve seen my dad (and even my mom) restore a cabin and an entire farm house. I’ve seen my old man build not only a deck on his cabin, but decks on the cabins and houses of friends of his. I’ve seen my brother build a three-car garage that’s arguably bigger than most people’s houses and was, by far, bigger than any apartment in which I've ever lived. My brother Frank wired an apartment basement for me with two electrical outlets that were not previously there. My brothers know cars inside and out. They’re all quite good at that stuff. I am not. I’m a journalist. I’m good at taking notes and later being witty. Look at me, look at witty I can be. Want to see funny? Watch me try to pound a fucking nail straight. Now that’s some funny shit. Watch as I lose my mind over stripped nuts, quit in the middle of installing wiper blades or call in reinforcements when I can’t figure out how picture hanger anchors work. Well, since Kerry bought this house, I’ve been slowly — and this really is the operative here — overcoming my dense stupidity when it comes to matter of improving things around the home. She and I installed a cabinet above the terlet in the washroom. And I, all by myself, installed a new medicine cabinet in the bathroom. And just last week, I did this

Installing a pot rack holder from the kitchen, despite the ceiling joists not lining up in accordance with the width of the unit. “What fucking idiot would do THAT?!” I screamed to myself. Well, I got it up and looks like this

Now, we just need better-looking pans and cookware, seeing as how they’re no longer sheltered. Next up? Replacing the light fixture in the kitchen, the one on the ceiling. If I don’t fry myself like a piece of cod, I’ll be doing the same to the front porch light.